I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
