its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
