this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Church boner. Awkwardddd
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
