There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
