So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
