Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
