I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
