what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
