The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
