It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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