You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
