Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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