dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
