Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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