You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
