I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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