if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
