The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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