Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
