Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
