Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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