my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
