Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
