i wish my penis had a tongue
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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