Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
