My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
