I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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