Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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