I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
