Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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