My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
