I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
sarcasm needs its own font
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
