The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
