i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
