Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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