Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
