Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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