I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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