It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
