i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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