I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
