dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
