Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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