It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
