Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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