I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
