At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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