We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
