I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
