Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
