I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
